It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn
by blueskittles97
Summary: Jade and Tori never imagined that a relationship like this could exist between the two of them. But when one of Sikowitz's crazy impromptu acting sessions goes in an unexpected direction, they learn more than Sikowitz's intention.
1. Chapter 1 The Magic Coconut

I can't stand the feeling of being watched. It's unnerving. It feels like a drop of sweat sliding down your back, right along your spine, but you can't reach back and wipe it away. It's the stickiness of wearing all black with your hair down on a 100 degree day, never resting from the sun.

That's how I'm feeling now.

I spin around on my heels, eyes sharpened like daggers. They scan the bustling crowd for anyone who may meet my gaze. People rush to class, shoving up against each other to avoid barely brushing up against me. I smirk, the tormenting feeling of being watched gone. But it creeps back up slowly and I shudder, glancing down at my pear phone to try and coax myself from concentrating on it.

But it's still there, causing me to feel somewhere between a tickle, a burn, and numb. I clench my jaw, my eyes flickering to look around without letting my head move. The feeling heightens and I growl before slamming my locker and shoving my phone in my pocket.

"What?" I yell. People pause briefly to look at me before my sinister glare scares them away. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I jump with a yelp and spin back around, only to find Beck leaning against my closed locker door, his shaggy black hair partially covering his left eye. A breath is let out slowly through my nose as my jaw clenches once more and I stare up at him with my eyebrows pushed as far down in front of my eyes as I can get them. He laughs, his perfect white teeth gleaming in the hallway light.

"Breathe," He smiles, kissing my cheek. I sigh and relax, my hand running through my hair.

"Yeah, well, I have rage," I mumble, taking his hand as we begin the trek to class. He pauses outside the door, taking both of my hands in his.

"I love you," He says softly before kissing me. He pulls away and something's different about him, his gaze seems… distant. I bite my lip and nod, not an unusual reaction, and lead him into class. He sits in the back row and I take a seat to his left, dropping my bag next my feet. Sikowitz greets everyone individually, his eyes narrowing as he greets me, earning a sarcastic smile in return. I cross my legs and arms, the feeling creeping back.

"Oh for God's sake!" I fly out of my chair just as the bell rings. "Why don't you just take a picture? It'll last longer!" Beck's hand takes mine.

"Calm down," he says carefully. I'm in full fledged rage now, there was no stopping me unless they called a SWAT team.

"No, I won't calm down!" I cry. "Someone keeps staring at me and it's getting on my last nerve!" The words were ground out. I look around, and everyone else has gone back to Sikowitz's lecture. I sit back down with a 'Humph' as Beck takes my hand. I sneak a glance around, scared that the feeling is either truly coming back or I'm imagining it. Then my eyes land on Tori, and my suspicions are confirmed. I pull back my lips in obvious distaste, but she smiles in return before looking back to Sikowitz. No one ever smiles at me. I'm a machine of terror, not a source of happy, cuddly love. The nerve she has to smile at me. How dare she! No one gets away with smiling at Jade West!

"Okay!" Sikowitz says loudly with a clap of his hairy man hands. "Today you will be doing…" He flutters his hands in an attempt to get guesses from the students. No one says anything and he looks at us quizzically before sighing and grabbing half a coconut from his desk. "Today you will be doing romance scenes," He winks. I groan, burying my face in my hand as I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll to The Slap. I'm about to update my status to, "Sikowitz wants romance? Well I think we all know what he can kiss," when the device is snatched from my hand.

"Hey!" I scream. He's there, smiling like the idiot he truly is.

"If you want this back, you're going to have to go first!" I take a deep breath.

"Fine," I mutter, stomping to the impromptu stage in the front of the room. He follows me, shaking the pear phone in front of me. "I pick Beck."

"No no no," he says, shaking the phone as he would a finger. "You must pick…" He turns to the class, "from the magic coconut." He says it as if we're enchanted three year olds, when in reality we're young adults wondering about his mental capabilities. I thrust my hand into the nut, pulling out a slip of paper. I read it.

"You've got to be kidding me," I growl. He glances at my paper then smiles wickedly before moving off to the side of the room to sit next to Sinjin. I sigh, my disappointment quite clear to the rest of the class. "Can I trade?"

"The magic coconut has spoken Jade West," Sikowitz says hauntingly.

"Tori." The word barely leaves my mouth before everyone turns to her. But our eyes are already locked. She looks confused and nervous at the same time. I stamp my foot impatiently. "Get up here, Vega." She frowns and rises slowly, ignoring the stares of her fellow classmates. She steps onto the stage and stands next to me. My own heart flutters as her hand brushes against mine.

"Okay," Sikowitz announces. "You guys are a couple that just got reunited after a tornado ripped your hometown apart. Jade, you were gone buying fireworks when the tornado ripped your house apart and you're glad that Tori isn't dead. GO!" I turn to face her, and she fidgets in front of me, unsure of what to do. I swallow nervously, embarrassed.

"Do something," I mutter barely audibly, unsure of what to do. My heart rate is picking up. I look into Tori's eyes, confused, nervous, and my hands shake.

"I don't know—" I wrap my hands around her upper arms, probably too tightly, and pull her to me, our lips crushing together. My head is spinning, and a sudden heat floods through my body. My eyes snap shut, and then it's over. I pull away, a stunned look on Tori's face. I glance back to my classmates. Sikowitz's face goes from disbelief to admiration to glee to insanity all in less than five seconds. He claps, but I barely hear it. I'm feeling so lightheaded and dizzy that I think I may actually pass out in front of all these people. My eyes catch Beck's, then Andre's, then Cat's. Sinjin's mouth is wide open. I swallow and look back to Tori. Then I'm out of the classroom. My feet have carried me, chest heaving unbelievably for breath, out the back door of the classroom. I slump down against the wall, taking deep breaths in through my nose and blowing them out slowly through my mouth. I have to focus on something other than what just happened. I rest my elbows on my knees and bend my head forward, clasping my hands behind my head.

"Hey," I'm too tired to look up, but I know who it is. They sit down and a hand finds my thigh and moves up to my knee. "Sikowitz said that was the best impromptu he'd ever seen."

"It's probably because he's a creepy old man," I mutter, taking a deep breath. I sit up, looking forward, refusing to meet the gaze that hungered for mine.

"He's an acting teacher. He said he's never seen such fearlessness on stage like that."

"Go away Tori," I murmur.

"Why?"

I finally tilt my head to meet her gaze.

"Are you okay?" She asks, her brown eyes earnest.

"No."

"Do you need to go to the nurse? You look like you're about to pass out."

"Just leave me alone Vega!" I stand up quickly, instantly regretting the decision. The blood rushes from my head, leaving me temporarily blind. I stumble, finding support in the brick wall behind me, but Tori's already grabbed my arm. I shrug from her grip before starting to walk back into the classroom.

"Wait," she says quietly, taking my hand. The touch feels electric and I nearly jump at the contact. I look at our hands and follow her arm up to her face again. "That… For me… You're really great, Jade." I shrug and walk back into the classroom, pondering what exactly that meant, and take my seat next to Beck while ignoring the incredulous stares.

I'm great?

How?


	2. Chapter 2 Glow In The Dark

"Jade," Beck whispered, pinching the cloth of my shirt to get my attention. His gaze never left Sikowitz and his lips barely moved as he spoke.

"Hmm?" I responded, the same character as he. My foot was tapping lightly against the edge of my chair.

"Are you okay?" I turn my head slowly and glare at him.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I growl. He raises his eyebrows. I sigh angrily and pick up my bag.

"Jade, where are you going?" Sikowits asks, sipping from a new coconut. I heave my bag over my shoulder and turn around.

"Home," I reply, slamming the door open and walking out. I feel the eyes of my class on my back.

For once, I don't care.

I'm sitting on my bed sharpening my haircutting shears when my phone buzzes next to me. I sigh and brush it to the floor when I see "Vega" flash across the screen. But soon the shears are dropped on my bedspread next to me and I'm leaning over the edge of the bed, angry at myself for wanting to pick up the phone. I slide my finger across the screen and set it to speaker.

"Jade?" Her voice is small.

"Did you forget who you called?" My voice is not as harsh as I intended it to be. Odd.

"Uhh…" I hear a rustle, as if the phone moved. "No." She's quiet. Then a sigh. "I needed to talk to you about something." I take my phone off speaker and move it to my ear.

"Well," I begin, lying back and running a hand through my hair. "I'm listening."

"I don't know how to start," she says with a weak laugh. My lips twitch at the corners, the smallest smile changing my expression. I look around my dark room, waiting for her to start, re-reading the quotes I wrote in glow in the dark paint on my black walls and ceiling. My curtains are drawn but my bedside lamp is on, the low glow darker than most and lighting up only a small portion of my room.

Tori takes a deep breath. "Jade, I… today… what happened…" she pauses.

"Breathe, Vega. It was just a kiss." The words felt off somehow, distanced from me. Distanced meaning something I'd probably never say. Distanced meaning that the words felt vague on my tongue, incorrect, alien. Probably because I mentioned kissing someone I supposedly hate, when in reality I just feel uncomfortable being around someone so open. My hand moves from my hair to the bedspread next to me, nervousness suddenly flooding through me as my fingers smooth over the soft fabric. What if she thought we were friends now because I didn't slap her on stage and storm off as I had done before? Or what if she thought I was a sap for kissing her? But this feeling didn't match up with any of those theories, and that itself terrified me.

I hadn't realized she'd begun talking until she called my name.

"Oh. Sorry. What? Repeat all of that again."

"I said that I think you're really great. You've got more guts than people give you credit for."

"Of course I have guts. Why do you think people cringe when I look at them?" I frown.

"Well, I mean, yeah. You're scary. But not a lot of people would do that on stage in front of someone. I admire your talent. And it's incredible that you did that." The tone in her voice suggests she's holding something back. Heat floods my cheeks as I think of what she just said, and a smile pulls my lips back. This time, however, I don't try to hide it.

"You're holding something back Tori," I say softly, my bitterness melting away.

"Can… Is it okay if I come over?" She asks. "I don't think this is really… a phone conversation."

"Erm," I say, oddly taken aback by her request. "Sure." I hear Trina in the background yelling something about ice cream and armpit sweat. I shake my head and laugh silently.

"I'll be over in a few minutes," She replies. I hear the smile in her voice, then, "shut up Trina! I don't wanna hear about your cold armpits!" I shake my head, smiling, and hang up. Then I look around my room. For some reason, I suddenly hate how it looks. The disgust proves evident as I hear myself groan. Usually I'm not one for keeping clothes off the floor or my pear phone accessories organized, but I gawk at it in horror when I realize that someone's actually going to come into my room. My hands are a flurry as I begin throwing clothes into my bathroom because of the absence of a laundry basket. I grab my phone accessories and carefully yet quickly organize them in my desk drawers. I spritz my perfume in the air, just to add an extra touch of Jade, and just as I'm glancing in the mirror at my hair, the doorbell rings. My heart flutters and I throw my door open and rush downstairs.

"Just a sec!" I call, tearing my purse open and shoving a piece of gum into my mouth. I trot to the door and smooth my hair before opening the door.

"Hey," she says with a smile. She's changed from her school clothes into fewer layers. She now wears a pair of black sweat pants and a grey Hollywood Arts sweatshirt as well as a pair of tawny Uggs. Her hair is pulled over to one side and her eyes are bright and expectant. I step over to the side to let her in. She looks at me, and then looks at the interior of my house. She's been here before, but the vastness never ceases to amaze her. Her jaw drops every time, but now that I'm looking at her, really looking at her, I see her. I see the ridges of her cheekbones, the dips under them, the angle of her eyebrows, the shape of her nose. I see the curves of her jaw line, the simplicity of her hairline, and then my eyes settle on her lips, smooth and pink and soft and sweet. The lips that, despite being crushed against mine for less than ten seconds, fit better against mine than Beck's. But maybe that was my imagination. Maybe… Heat flooded through me.

"So can we talk?" Her voice startles me from my thoughts, and as soon as I realize what I was thinking about, I blush furiously. Well, shit. She's staring at me now, her face halfway between amusement and caution. I look away and walk in front of her, leading her to my room, the whole time mentally stabbing myself in the throat. We go into my room and she looks around. Despite her being in my house, she's never been in my room. Beck's the only one who's ever been in my room except for my mom. She looks around with more amazement than she had downstairs.

"Is that glow in the dark paint?" She asks, pointing to the glowing pink skull on my ceiling. I nod. And turns around, looking at the shelves of jars with random things and my insect collections. "Did you catch them yourself?"

"What are you, four?" I ask. She shrugs, not turning back around to look at me. "Yeah. I did." She finally looks at me, her shoulders pressed to her ears, a nervous smile on her lips. We move over to my bed. We sit down about a foot from one another.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask, glancing over my shoulder at her. She looks at me nervously before looking back to her hands, her thumbs twiddling in her lap.

"Today," she finally admits. I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly through my mouth. She looks at me, hoping I'd say something, but I don't know what to say, so I gesture back to her. I feel awkward. I'm not used to talking much about anything with anyone except Beck, and at times, my mother. "I don't know how you felt about it, but I was shocked." I look at her with an eyebrow raised.

"Really?" I say sarcastically. "I mean it's not as if something totally unexpected happened." She frowns.

"I'm serious, Jade." I look forward once again. "I felt something today."

"What do you mean, you 'felt' something?" I ask. She pauses. I look over to her and she's looking at me, her brown eyes upset, tears brimming her eyes. "Hey," I say nervously, my hand reaching out, unsure of how to respond. She wipes that tears away, taking a deep breath. "You never cry unless something's really wrong."

"I like you," she says. I'm stunned into silence. I look away, thoughts and emotions flying through my head. I bite my lip. "Jade?" Tori asks. I turn back to look at her.

"What?" I ask. "Why are you crying?"

"Do you hate me?" I'm taken aback by her question. I shake my head quickly.

"No, I mean… no…" I say honestly, looking deeply into her dark eyes. "Do you want to be, like, friends or something? Because I really don't do that kind of thing…" Her hand is placed on my thigh. I look down, my breath hitching. I look down, then back to her face.

"Tell me you don't feel something too," She whispers. I swallow.

"What are you talking about? I have Beck. I love Beck. Why would I have feelings for you?"

"Okay," she says. "I'm being honest with you Jade. I really think I like you." I stand, nervous anger moving through me.

"You think a kiss is going to completely how I change about you? You're mental, Vega. You're fucking mental." She pauses at my language, but we're not at school. I don't care. And the words felt good moving from my mouth. "I mean, I'm in a really good relationship. You think I'm going to throw that all away to be a fucking softie and be all romantic with you?" She stands and crosses her arms.

"I never said anything about you being romantic. And I never said that it would completely change you. And you never did answer me when I asked if you felt something, too." Now I can't think of a response. All of that was true, I will admit to myself. But breaking down and admitting that to Tori? She's only ever seen me vulnerable once. "And it's not from this one kiss that I think I like you. I have for a long time. I just didn't know what the feelings meant until then."

"Shut up," I snap, looking at the dark violet carpet on the floor. I'm nervous. Thinking about it, I wouldn't throw the thoughts out the window. I've always admired women, and some part of me has always liked them. But since California is a more liberal state than most others, I never felt the need to announce my feelings because me suddenly being with a girl wouldn't matter. But in all the fantasies I'd ever had involving women, not once have I ever pictured Tori.

"Sikowitz says he wants everyone to perform their impromptus again on stage next Friday night." I look at her furiously.

"No way," I hiss.

"I'm not getting a zero because of your ignorance," She says. "We're doing that impromptu."

"It was just a kiss," I say, my voice beginning to lower and calm down. "What are we going to do? Make out?" I look up at her. Her eyebrow's cocked.

"Funny of you to suggest that, Jade," she says, emphasis on my name and heavy sarcasm. I sigh and lift my hands, letting them fall back to my sides, admitting defeat.

"Fine. What do you want? Why are you really here?" A storm suddenly makes itself evident, thunder rumbling and shaking my house. I sit back down, angry at myself for becoming so… soft around her. Honestly, I wouldn't feign feelings for her.

I realize that now.

I'm not in love with her, but I don't hate her. Studying her and listening to her and thinking about where she's really coming from, I appreciate her. I admire her for speaking what's on her mind.

Suddenly, my phone rings. I grab it and see that it's Beck.

"Hang on," I tell Tori, answering my phone and turning away from her. "Hello?"

"Hey Jade," Beck's voice sounds upset.

"Hi," I say quizzically. "Are you… are you crying?"

"Not anymore," he replies softly.

"What's wrong?" Silence fills the other end of the line. I only know he's still there because I can hear the thunder in the background as well as the now pounding rain.

"We can be honest with each other, right?" He asks. I nod before realizing he can't see me. Worry floods through me. I sit down on my bed, and Tori sees my expression. She gently places a hand on my shoulder. I don't shrug it away.

"Of-of c-course," I stammer. "Beck, what's wrong?"

"My parents… my dad… he got a new job."

"Well Beck, that's great!"

"No. He… we're moving." Beck's dad was a CEO of some big company that made computer programs and electronics. It wasn't nearly as big as the Pear company or anything, but the company was expanding. Beck, however, didn't exactly live with his parents. He lived in a small trailer in their driveway. So it didn't make sense why he'd have to go with them.

"But you live by yourself in the trailer," I say quickly, panic suddenly flooding through me.

"They're selling the house to a demolition company," he said quietly. "I get my electricity and water and everything from the house. I won't have any place to live."

"You can stay here!" I tell him. "You can stay in my guest room, or maybe you could stay with Andre or Robbie or Sinjin or something. Maybe Tori." She looks at me, words I can't understand moving silently across her lips. I put the phone on speaker so she knows what's going on. "Tori's with me," I add. "Please Beck, don't go."

"I have to," he mutters. "Hi Tori." She says hello back quietly. "I have no choice. My parents are forcing me to go with them. I'm only seventeen. I can't stay. And even if I could stay, your mom would kill me if I asked to live there." He's probably true, but I'm desperate for him to stay.

"When do you leave?" I ask. "Where are you guys even going?" He's silent again.

"We're leaving tomorrow," his voice is hoarse. "We're moving to London."

"London?" I squeak. "No no no, you can't go to London! Not with all those… girls!" Tori sits next to me.

"I have to go, Jade," he tells me. "The movers are working right now, all night. I'm flying out tomorrow night at six. But I have to pack and get ready to go."

"No, but it's Friday," I tell him. "You can't leave! We were supposed to hang out tomorrow!"

"I know…"

"So what? We'll Skype and date through phone calls or something?" I hear him choke.

"No." He takes a deep breath. "That's the problem. They're sending me to a boarding school for young men. The only people I'll really have time to talk to are my family members."

"I… are you breaking up with me?" Tori wraps her arm around me and squeezes me to her. Tears begin to slide down my face.

"Jade," He whispers. "I love you. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"Beck," I cry.

"Jade, we're over." The words rip something from me, and I'm sobbing into Tori's arms like a lunatic. Beck hangs up and Tori turns my phone off, resting it on the side table holding my dim lamp. She pulls me to her and I rest against her.

A boom of thunder shakes me to my core, and the power flashes out.

"Tori?" I ask.

"I'm here," she replies. My hand moves up her body and finds her cheek. I can barely make out her face in the dark, but my glow in the dark pain makes enough light to see her eyes. Despite my tears I pull her to me, our lips barely touching. I feel her warm breath wash over me, and she's hesitant. My own heart is pounding so loud I fear Tori can hear it. I take a deep breath before kissing her, slow at first, but then quicker. My hands tangle in her hair as our lips whisper against them, a desperate moan coming from somewhere deep in me, and I realize now that I really like her. She smells soft and sweet and warm and comforting. I shift, moving more onto the bed as the rain pounds on my roof above us. My mom isn't home and won't be for a few days. She's a flight attendant, so I usually have the house to myself. Tori's hands move down my sides and pull me so that I'm straddling her. I bend my head down and swipe my tongue over her lips, wanting to get inside. She hesitates, pulling back to catch her breath.

"What are we doing?" She asks, gasping for breath. My lips travel to her jaw line.

"Practicing," I murmur against her skin. Her fingers dig into my hips. "just keep my mind off Beck. Please." She captures my lips once more with her own and our tongues meet. I sigh at her sweet taste, almost like candy. I pull away to spit my gum out, and when I go back to her, her lips graze my throat. I shudder, telling myself not to think of Beck. If I don't think of Beck, I'll be fine. I won't break.

But all I can do is compare Tori to Beck. I want to enjoy this.

"Stop," I tell her, pulling away and standing. I see her eyes and skin. "This isn't right."

"I need to go home," She says suddenly, pulling her phone out of her pocket to use it as a flashlight. "My parents are probably wondering where I am during this storm."

"Didn't you tell them you were coming?" I ask.

"I told them I was going to the store for tampons," She admits with a small laugh.

"I need to be alone," I say suddenly. She nods and I hold my bedroom door open. "Think you can find your car?" I ask. She nods again. "Drive safe." She walks out of my room and I shut the door, waiting for the sound of my front door opening and closing. But it's raining too hard. I couldn't tell when she left.

So I sink onto my bed, curling into a ball and wrapping the comforter around me. I don't cry, not yet. I think of Beck and how he's been more than my best friend for the past 7 years. And then I think of school, and how he won't be there on Monday. I also think of him naked, lying in my bed, sleeping peacefully as I watched his chest rise and fall gently with each breath after we slept together for the first time.

But most of all, I think of Tori. Of these feelings I didn't even know I had for her. I think of how we definitely just went way too fast. I think of how we went from hating each other to making out in less than 8 hours.

I fall asleep smelling Tori on my blanket, and that night I dream of being with her and Beck.

_Thanks for reading all of that. I had the idea in my head and I couldn't sleep until I had it written down. I stayed up writing until 3 am last night._

_It's a lot longer than chapter one, and some of you may be wondering why it's rated M. That's because, later on in the story, I plan to put in some more language than what was used in this chapter, as well as some possible Jori hookup. Not totally sure yet what I want to do, but I promise I'll give it a reason to be rated M. Just bear with me.  
_

_Also, I plan on adding weekly updates after this, not day after day. So many of you wanted updates soon, and I thought that since I had the idea in my head, I'd write it down. And as soon as I got it written down, I wanted to publish it, since you guys asked me to. But after this, the updates will be weekly, and hopefully I won't become too busy to upload at least once a week.  
_

_Thanks!  
_


	3. Chapter 3 Hot Water

I wake up the next day wrapped in my dark violet comforter, still thinking about my dream. In my dream, I had my arms wrapped around Beck's neck, looking earnestly into his eyes, smiling the biggest smile ever to touch my face. But then I closed my eyes. When I opened them, he was gone, replaced by the thin body of Tori. I was staring into her eyes, chocolate brown, and I didn't notice anything different or wrong. It was as if I'd stared into her eyes a million times before, each time more sacred than the last. I remembered our lips touching but not kissing, our eyelashes batting against one another's. I remember her breath washing, warm and sweet, over my face, leaving the smell of vanilla and cotton candy embedded in my brain. I remember music, a song I'd never heard, drifting softly behind us, and it was only then did I realize we were dancing. The room was dark but not black, light but not bright. I could see her and only her. Our bodies were pressed close and our hearts raced against one another's. A cough brought us from our stupor and Beck was there then, smiling at us. His black hair was brushed off to one side of his face and his tan skin glowed with his eyes. I tried to reach out and grab him, but suddenly he was gone.

Then I woke up.

The memory of last night shook me to my core; every beat of my heart felt heavy and swollen and painful. I didn't want to have to breathe. I didn't want to think these thoughts, these thoughts of Beck being gone from my life, of me in Tori's lap kissing her as if Beck had never existed. I was tired even though I'd slept, and every part of my body ached as if I'd just run a thousand miles. So I lay there silently, not moving, with the comforter pulled up to my chin. I hadn't even changed out of my clothes from last night, showered, or eaten. I wasn't hungry. I didn't feel dirty, and even if I did, no shower would wash away the pain I was feeling now.

The power had come back on some time during the night, and my clock across the room blinked red, showing how long it had been since it came back on. 11:39. I had slept for more than eleven hours.

And yet I wasn't rested.

Tears rolled from my eyes over the bridge of my nose, down my cheek, and soaked into the blanket. My body felt numb, everything except the heavy throbbing deep inside my chest. I didn't want to move.

Knowing that the last 7 years of my life would be gone in less than a day felt like I'd wasted that entire 7 years. Like I'd wasted everything. Beck and I were each other's firsts; we were supposed to get married and have kids and grow old and die together. We were supposed to experience the excitement of finding out I was pregnant, and hold each other as we cried at the baby's graduation. We were supposed to age and fade into the early phases of dementia together. Now the chances of that happening were close to none. He'd be going to London, for God's sake, surrounded by gorgeous Emma Watsons and young Kiera Knightleys. They'd all faun over his tan skin and voice like I did.

All in less than a day.

And knowing that scared the living hell out of me.

A soft knock at my door brought me from my thoughts. I craned my neck to see who it was, then nestled it back safely as my mother came into view.

"Jade?" Her voice was soft. Her soft eyes crinkled at the edges as she came into my view, lying down next to me on my bed. "Honey, what's wrong? It's 1 in the afternoon." I blink, she sighs. "I got back this morning just after the storm passed through. I saw your car in the driveway alone. I take it Beck's not here?" She had grown accustomed to Beck staying the night, despite the fact that she hated him. She knew we'd had sex but had made me promise to stay on birth control and always use condoms, then took me to the gynecologist to have my first pelvic exam. It was horrific, but she was looking out for me. I knew she cared for me, if not Beck for "taking away" her little girls' innocence.

"Beck's gone," I murmur. Her lips part before drawing into a thin, straight line. She looks exactly like Hanna Marin's on-screen mom on Pretty Little Liars. No one else can see it, but I can. "They moved. To London. We broke up." Her jaw clenches as she puts her hand on my shoulder, head tilting to the side. I wrap my arms around my stomach tightly. "I loved him."

"I know honey," She replies soothingly, bending over to kiss my forehead. "But you can't lie in bed all day and dwell on it. They had to move. I'm sure he loves you, too." I knew for a fact that he did, but I wouldn't say it out loud. My mom hated Beck with a passion; the way she talked about him to her friends made hating him seem like a sport that only she knew the rules to. But deep down she knew he loved me, and that I loved him, so the fact that she's comforting me about losing him to a different continent either made her ecstatic or sympathetic. The same thing had happened to my dad as a baby, except he fought in a war and took a bullet in the head. She knew what it felt like, so maybe she took that into consideration and weighed it heavier than her obvious distaste for my boyfriend.

"Can I just be alone?" I ask. She nods, standing. "And can you hand me my phone? It's next to my lamp…" she places it next to my face.

"I love you, Jade," she says softly before quietly shutting my door behind her. My hand crawls out from under the blanket and turns my phone on, the silver pear illuminating the dark space behind it. Finally my home menu appears, as well as notifications for two missed calls and 4 text messages, all from Tori. I open the first text:

"Jade, I'm sorry about tonight. Friends?"

Then the next:

"It went too far tonight. Ignore the first text. We don't have to be anything you don't want to be."

Then the third:

"Ignore those texts. I don't know what I'm talking about."

And finally, with a sigh, I open up the last:

"Jade, I'm really sorry about Beck and what happened tonight. I'm always here for you. Tori."

I turn off my screen and sit up with a groan, hunger finally catching up with me. But I don't want to go downstairs and eat just yet, so I drift into my bathroom and close the door and lock it. I sit on my toilet seat with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands, still fully clothed, wondering how something so simple could hurt so bad. Beck moved. We broke up. Two miniscule sentences that now ruled every single part of my life. I stood up, turning on my shower, making it as hot as my bare hand would stand. Then I stood in front of my mirror and began peeling off my clothes, dropping them at my feet. I looked at myself, my naked body, and imagined Beck's naked body right behind mine. Then I closed my eyes and Tori flashed across my thoughts, her face on a body similar but not exactly mine. I shook my head, forcing those thoughts away.

I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water run over my body as I stood there, looking down at the trails of water running down my body. On the inside of my thigh, close to my pubic area, was a tiny green heart, a tattoo meant to symbolize the color of my eyes. I remember getting it distinctly; Beck had gotten a home tattoo kit from his cousin and brought it over, mixing the ink himself to find the perfect color to match my eyes. Then he carefully laid down a small stencil and traced over it with the painful pen as I lay naked before him. It was my first tattoo, and definitely not my last, but would probably always be my favorite. After he was done and I wanted to cry from how much it hurt, his hands wandered and it was magical. I could still feel his lips on mine, his fingers making quick work of my sensitive folds below.

But I also remember the pain, how it hurt but felt so good at the same time. It may have been the adrenaline rush from getting the tattoo, or just from laying naked in front of my fully clothed boyfriend, or maybe all of it, but the pain was a happy pain, a good pain. "Pain is good. Pain is your friend. Pain means that you're alive." The quote had always stuck with me, even though I'd long forgotten where it came from. But it was true. Pain meant that the bad thing wasn't bad enough to kill you.

I grabbed my razor off the shelf and brought it close to my face, looking intently at the new, sharp blades. They glinted in the light and sparkled when the water droplets magnified the size. It was beautiful, this razor. So simple, yet so gorgeous in its own way.

I twisted my arm, holding the razor an inch away from the inside of my upper arm. I put it to my skin and paused, wondering if it would really help. "Pain is good, pain is your friend…" I brought it down slowly, my head falling back against the tile wall as the pain shot through my arm. I bit my lip and pulled the razor away, looking at the crimson stained blades. I put it back to the skin, dragging it down again, and this time a moan escaped my lips. It hurt, but felt so good at the same time. I looked down at my stinging arm, the blood cascading down the inside of my arm. If this hurt, what would putting it under the running water feel like? I shoved my arm under the shower head, and nearly screamed at the pain. But it just felt so good. As the pain began to cease, I cranked the water hotter and hotter until it finally began to run cold, and the cuts had long ceased to bleed. I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, sinking to the ice cold tiles at my feet.

As the water dripped from my body and collected on the floor around me, I began humming a song, which then formed into words which grew louder and louder with each syllable until I felt like I couldn't scream them any louder.

"When the water runs hot and the cuts run deep, you never want to leave, you only want to sleep forever…"


	4. Chapter 4 Shake It Out

After my shower, I get up off the floor and wipe my tears away. My body and hair is completely dry by the time I rise from the now warm tile. My arm throbs numbly, but I don't worry about infection. The water was so hot that any germs would have died anyway. But my eyes still flicker to the Neosporin on my counter, so I smear some on there and wrap it in gauze just to be safe. I look at myself in the mirror again, picturing Beck's hands around my waist while he kissed my bare shoulder, or him bent down to kiss the underside of my breast. I picture my own hands on him, our lips fighting for dominance as my hands drift so low that I can command him with a twitch of a finger. I put my hands onto my eyes and press hard into them, feeling the throb and blocking any tears from escaping. I walk back into my bedroom and throw my closet doors open, scanning the hangars for something comfortable. My eyes land on some Hollywood Arts sweats, very similar to what Tori wore last night.

Hmm. Tori. At just the thought of her, I feel her lips against mine. I close my eyes and can see her under me, gripping my hips like her life depends on it. A small smile tugs at the edges of my lips before it's ripped away by the nagging reminder of Beck somewhere in the back of my mind. I pull on the sweats, yanking the shirt over my head and down my arms, not caring about the bandaging. I grab my laptop and pear phone and head downstairs, where I can hear my mom ordering Chinese. She looks up just before closing out her order and adds my favorite, beef fried rice with lo mein and two egg rolls. I smile weakly at her. She hangs up and watches as I sit down across from her.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, her eyes flickering to the mass under my sleeve.

"Fine," I say weakly, opening the lid on my laptop. She frowns.

"Jade, you didn't…" her voice drops.

"So what if I did? It doesn't matter anyway. It's not like anyone's going to see it."

"Jade, honey, it is a big deal. It takes a large deal of emotional harm to do what you just did." She moves to sit next to me. I rest my head on her shoulder.

"He's the only guy I've ever loved," I murmur. She kisses my hair, patting the back of my hand. "I don't know what to do without him."

"I felt that way about your father," she says softly. "At least Beck's still alive. There's a chance you two could get back together." I shrug, watching as my computer boots up. "Well, I ordered your favorite. Some girl stopped by earlier too… chipper little thing." My heart picks up.

"Did… what was her name?" I ask slowly.

"Oh, I don't know, she was talking so fast, I think she said Cat or something?" I breathe a sigh of relief. "Her hair looked like it was on fire or something." I chuckle.

"Yeah, that's Cat," I reply. She leans back on the couch, turns on the TV, and sips a cup of something while I log onto The Slap. Beck either hasn't had the time or the want to change his relationship status. His face forces a sharp pang to strike me in the chest. I scroll down, my eyes landing on Tori's status, and I reread it over and over again.

"I've never felt this way before. It's like all my emotions are having World War III. Mood: Awkward"

My thoughts are screaming, and I have an overwhelming need to talk to her. I _need _her.

"Hey mom?" I say, standing suddenly and slamming my laptop lid. She looks up, confused. "I'm gonna go make a phone call." I walk out to the garage as I pull out my pear phone, scrolling through the contacts as I mechanically find the carton of cigarettes I have hidden in some gardening equipment my mom will never have the time to use. I make my way to the back yard, my bare feet padding silently across the cool concrete. I press call and wedge the phone between my shoulder and cheek while I light the cigarette, staring at the clear blue sky. Canaries and yellow jackets flit around my backyard, stopping at flowers and trees. One yellow jacket comes particularly close to me and I blow smoke at it as I take the cigarette in one hand and my phone in the other. It rings 3 times before she picks up, my heart beating nervously at the sound of her voice.

"Jade?"

"Hey Tori," I say before taking a drag of the cigarette. I let it out slowly. "What's up?" My voice sounds particularly chipper for the emotional disaster I've been the past few hours.

"Uhh, I'm just painting my toenails with Cat. She said she stopped by earlier but you were in the shower or something. How are you?" I sit down and take another drag of the cigarette before letting it out through my nose.

"My boyfriend just broke up with me and moved to another continent," I say surprisingly casually, closing my eyes and relishing the feeling on my eyelids.

"Right." I hear Cat giggle about something Trina does before Trina yells back at her to shut up. "You sound pretty good. If you wanna come over, Cat and I won't push you to do much other than eat some popcorn while we watch 80's movies."

"Well, you know, I'm probably going to start crying or something again soon. Will John Cusack be in these 80's movies?" I hear her laugh.

"Yeah."

"Molly Ringwald?"

"Of course!" I smile weakly.

"Tori, how are you feeling?" I hear her pause.

"What'd she say?" I hear Cat ask.

"Like how I did last night," she finally says. I take a long, deep drag of my cigarette, holding it in before letting it out as slow as I can.

"Oh."

"Yeah." Another pause. "How do you feel?"

"Tori, don't…"

"Sorry." Another pause, another drag, another exhale. I flick the ashes off the end of my cigarette. "What are you doing?"

"Smoking a cigarette after cutting my arm open in a shower so hot my entire body went numb." She seems stunned by my blunt honesty. I take a final drag before stubbing it out and throwing it over my fence into my neighbor's yard. I feel better already. "I'll be over in twenty minutes."

"Okay. Bring perfume. If my parents catch you smoking…"

"They've seen me smoking before, Vega." Her dad's a cop, but we seem to have a mutual respect for one another. "Just be warned. I'm not wearing my makeup."

"Me either. I'll see you later." We hang up and I stand, stretching. I glance around my backyard once more before making my way back into my garage, stuffing the pack of cigarettes in my pocket. I go back into the house and grab my keys from the bowl on the table.

"Are you going somewhere?" My mom asks, looking up from Hoarders. I nod and make my way to her. I pick up my laptop and my purse.

"You know Tori Vega, right?"

"Yes, but I didn't know you two were friends." I stop for a moment then look at her.

"Neither did I." I make my way back into the kitchen, stuffing various snack foods and sodas into my purse.

"Love you honey," she calls.

"Love you too," I call back as I go back into the garage and get into my car. I plug my pear phone in and crank it up as loud as it will go before backing out of the driveway and speeding down the street.

"Regrets collect like old friends…"


	5. Chapter 5 Soft and Tan

The only country song I have on my pear phone, Springsteen by Eric Church, plays as I drive down the LA highway freely, feeling better every mile closer to Tori's house. I think more about her, think of her sitting next to me, her hair flying back behind her as the sun glinted off her shimmery lip gloss. I think of her eyes on me in that way she tended to stare at things that fascinated her, smoldering nearly dark gold in the sun. The top of my convertible was down on this warm sunny day, and as I drove past the coastline, I imagined holding hands with her on one side and Beck on the other.

And for the first time, it didn't hurt to think of him.

I continued to remind myself that had he stayed here, we would've still been together. And neither of us would have been able to keep up with an intercontinental relationship. Thinking that we had to break up, that it wasn't a choice, made me feel much better than thinking that he didn't want me anymore. But I also feel guilty for kissing Tori. No. Kissing was not the wrong word. What happened in class was a kiss, but what happened at my house… that was a completely different matter. When the power went out and the lights went out in my house, they didn't just go off there. They went off inside me too. Then when I woke up, it hurt more and more. It still hurts. But thinking of Tori made me feel a little brighter inside.

Tori was a star. She was the sun.

I pull into Tori's driveway, surprised and somewhat happy to see her and Cat waiting outside for me. I smile and she waves as I cut my engine on the street. As I get out, I see her swivel her hips nervously like she always does, and it makes me feel happy to know that she really wanted me to be here. I walk up the front walk and they meet me halfway, Cat bouncing alongside Tori babbling about something her brother did with a pudding cup and a roll of quarters. I roll my eyes with a tiny smile and Tori sees, a huge grin plastered on her face. I know I used to hate her, but she's pretty. And talented. And really good to lean on, someone to convince you otherwise when you basically feel like shit in a garbage can.

"Hi Jade," She says, standing beside me as we begin walking back to her house. Cat's on my other side, skipping as she tries to update me on her latest boy scandal. For one who thought Cat was quite airy, she actually knew more about sex than one would believe. The stories she tells us almost makes me envious despite the mind-blowing sex Beck and I had. So it's not a surprise that what she tells us now makes even me blush. I look over to Tori and she shrugs, like, hey, this is what I've been hearing all day.

"So then, Carter asked me, 'Cat, are you ready?' and I was like, 'Yeah! Of course I am!'" She bubbles, not bothering to lower her voice as a couple jogs by. She turns to us. "Jade, I'm sorry about Beck," she suddenly says softly, reaching out to touch my arm. I flinch, but I don't pull away. But apparently something in my eyes tells Cat that I don't want to be touched, so she pulls away and continues her story. I laugh vaguely when her voice changes into a giggle, but I'm not listening. We begin walking back to Tori's house slowly, and Cat drabbles on. I feel Tori brush against me and she looks down just as I look at her, before my eyes trail down her arm. Her hand rests a few inches from mine, swaying back and forth as she walks barefoot up the warm concrete path. Her purple toenails are shiny and smooth. Her shorts are white and her tee shirt's yellow, all making the skin of her hand much darker and golden than mine. I touch her hand with my pinkie to see her reaction and her hand moves slightly toward mine before I take hers and lace our fingers together. I don't have to look at her to feel the smile emanating from her face. Cat goes inside.

"We'll meet you inside in a sec," I tell her.

"Kay kay!" She shuts the door, leaving us outside.

"So… hand holding huh?" Tori says, finally meeting my gaze with a small laugh. I didn't realize how desperate I was to see her and be near her until now. It was like she _was _a force of gravity. Looking into her eyes I felt safer, like I was less vulnerable to the pain of the breakup when she was around.

"Like you'll complain," I reply, looking down at our hands. They fit together nicely. "Is this what friends do?" I ask honestly, looking into her eyes for an answer I truly did not know. "I'm not… I'm not very good at this kind of stuff, so, you know…" I look back up.

"Not really," she admits, starting to pull her hand away. "I mean, if you want—"

"No," I say, tightening my fingers around hers. "Don't. Please." She steps closer, obviously catching the desperation in the last word. Her eyes flicker to my lips and mine do the same, and it's now that I realize what I want. I bring my face closer to hers and her eyes close, her lips slightly parted. I pause, resting just far enough away that I can feel her lips without kissing her. Her breath washes cleanly over my face, and I can feel her heart racing almost as quickly as mine in her palm. She opens her eyes and looks at me before I finally kiss her, gently, savoring the feeling that washes away all impurities and stress for a fraction of a second. I pull away, even taking my hand back, and walk inside her home.

I see Cat and Trina sitting side by side on the couch, laughing at some ridiculous TV show. Tori's mom looks up as we walk inside and smiles, putting down the knife she was using to cut up raw chicken and wipes her hands on a towel.

"Hi Jade," she says with a smile. I feel uncomfortable around so many happy people, so I nod and avoid eye contact as I rush to Tori's room. I hear her make some excuse and then she joins me a moment later. I stand in her room, nearly pacing, wringing my hands.

"The happiness makes me uncomfortable," I admit slowly, not meeting Tori's eyes. She closes the door and walks over to me, taking my hands.

"Jade," she says strongly. "Look at me." My eyes meet hers. "You are so much stronger than you're making people believe. Come on." I take a deep breath, my mind flashing thoughts of everything to Beck to kissing Tori on the porch to making out with her in my room to having sex with her _and _Beck and… I shake my head, attempting to rid myself of the thoughts. I look at her again, the vision of her and I having sex on the forefront of my mind. She smiles like a genuine friend, but when I close my eyes, I see her writhing in ecstasy. Heat explodes in me, filling my abdomen and lower areas with warmth and longing.

"Tori," I whisper, reaching up to cup her face. I close my eyes and press my lips to hers, savoring everything about this moment. She pauses, unsure of how to respond before kissing me back. My lips move against hers, my head tilting to get a better angle before her tongue swipes against my lower lip, asking for entrance. I open my lips to hers and her tongue begins to explore my mouth before my tongue meets hers, battling to see who would give in first. She cowers back and I win, grinning as I bite her lip gently, causing her to moan ever so slightly. Her hands tear at my shirt before she pulls back first, gasping for breath. She bends over, her hands on her knees, before looking back up to me.

"Are you okay?" I ask, crossing my arms. I do take a few deep breaths, but that's all I need. She nods then stands, capturing my lips again and pressing her body to mine. She bites my lip and I moan, my head involuntarily tipping back. Her lips find my throat and she pushes me to the bed. She crawls on top of me, her hips pressing against mine. She bites my collar bone gently and I moan again, louder this time. She pauses and looks up at me.

"My family's here," she whispers. I nod and she goes back to kissing me, her lips trailing up and down my neck while I make fists in her hair, trying not to cry out. But it's really hard with her on top of me like this, her hips rubbing against mine. She suddenly pulls away and I groan angrily before looking at her.

"What?" I demand.

"What are we doing?" She asks, standing up and backing away from me, her arms crossed. I sigh and run my hand through my hair as I sit up before clenching my jaw.

"I thought this is what you wanted." She frowns.

"It's what I want, sure, but what do you want?"

"I want you." I do.

"But why?" She stares at me like she knows. But it's probably not too hard to tell. I swallow and look down before looking back up to meet her gaze. "It's Beck, isn't it?" she asks. I nod slowly. She moves back to sit beside me.

"I know you miss him, but you can't sleep with me to get your mind off of him." I turn to her.

"Why not?" She swallows and I can see the lust in her eyes. But she blinks hard before answering me.

"It's not right," She whispers. "And what would people think?" I bite my lip before leaning very close to her, blinking slowly.

"And since when do you care what people think?" I ask. "Miss Victoria Vega?"

"You don't know my middle name," she whispers. I lean in closer to her, my lips hardly touching hers as my voice is a deadly quiet whisper.

"And you don't know mine," I whisper, my eyes closed. I kiss her, hard, picking up where we left off, with me on top. My hands slide up under her shirt and she bites her lip to keep from crying out as her head tips backwards. Her heart pounds furiously under my palm and a soft moan escapes her lips as I begin to kiss her stomach, running my tongue over the abs I didn't know she had. I look up at her, my hands pausing on the hem of her shirt. She stares at me, scared, before nodding and pulling her shirt up over her head. She gasps as my hands cup her breasts, still cupped in her bra. She's so tenderly new to all of this.

"Jade," she breathes, her ribs expanding rapidly under my hands. "Please…" I kiss my way up from her belly button to her sternum then to her neck, my hands inching slowly to her back to unclasp her bra. She kisses me strongly, her legs and hands shaking. I unclasp her bra and pull it slowly over her arms, then off her body completely. I look at her one final time and she nods with a smile, biting her lip, and I continue to watch her as my fingers find a nipple. She takes in a deep breath sharply before her hands grip my hips tightly, her hips bucking. I lean down and take it between my lips, my tongue flicking over it slowly. She whimpers, her grip tightening. I bite softly, taking it between my teeth, this hard little nub on her perfectly round breast. My tongue moves over her skin as I kiss my way to her other breast, her right one. My fingers take the nipple I just left and my tongue flicks over the new one. I feel her heart thrumming under my lips, her breath ragged. One soft flick of my tongue and her hands are in my hair, her head moving side to side as she begins to writhe beneath me. I place my hands on her stomach and I feel her muscles tighten, her fingers digging so hard into my hips it hurt. But her eyes are closed and her mouth is open, breath ceasing to move from her lungs. Her hips rise beneath mine before they come crashing down. She takes in breaths, deeply, before her chocolate eyes open, slowly, then blinking. She pulls me up to her lips.

"Tori," I ask. "Did you just…" she nods.

"Jade, it felt so good," She whispers. I smile to myself before standing, still fully clothed. "What are you…"

"I'm going back downstairs." I say, tossing her her bra and shirt. "Are you?" She stares at me incredulously before quickly putting her clothes back on. She stands to join me before kissing me soundly. She takes my hand in hers.

"So what are we, friends with benefits?" I shrug.

"I guess, if you're into labeling." Then she opens the door and leads me back downstairs, but not before checking to see if she didn't look like she'd just had an orgasm.


	6. Chapter 6 Some Beach

Something deep in my mind screams at me, a nagging hollowness in my chest, that we definitely went too far. Well no shit, I think to myself. I know this. I just kind of fucked Tori Vega. But it felt good. It felt comforting. I know what the consequences may be. And I don't give a shit.

We walk downstairs into her living room and Tori takes my hand, pulling me toward the front door.

"Can I tell Cat?" She asks. I look at her, my eyes flickering to Cat and Trina cackling at the TV, clenching my teeth. Then I sigh. Cat's her best friend. And mine for that matter. How am I going to say no?

"Fine," I mutter, pulling the door open and stepping out.

"Cat," Tori calls. "Mom, we'll be right back." Cat joins Tori and I, a smile lighting up her face.

"Tori, you look different," she says softly in her Cat way. "Your eyes are different…" Suddenly, the door opens, revealing Trina.

"Trina, go back inside," Tori says. I glare at Trina, my jaw clenched, prepared to leave without saying goodbye. Cat knowing about this made me somewhat uncomfortable, but at least we're friends. Yes, I consider Cat my friend. She wouldn't tell people. And even if she did, no one would believe her. But Katrina Vega was completely different. She convinced people she dated Beck once.

Beck.

What would he think? Whatever, he's 11 time zones away, give or take a few. But still. He was my boyfriend.

Ugh. I came here to get my mind off of him.

I zone back into what's going on, Cat clinging to my arm as Tori and Trina yell at each other. The door opens again and it's their mom.

"Trina, come back inside honey, please." Trina sighs and shoots a deadly look at Tori before following her mother unwillingly back inside. Cat blinks and then looks to Tori.

"What's going on?" She asks, her voice breathy.

"Cat," Tori starts, taking a deep breath as her cocoa eyes flicker to mine before taking my other hand. "Jade and I are together." Cat blinks again then spins to look into my eyes.

"What do you mean, 'together'?" She raises an eyebrow suspiciously.

"We're fucking." I say, point blank. She pulls away for a moment and blinks, confused.

"You're what?" Tori glances at me, embarrassed, before looking back to the confused cake haired girl.

"We're not dating, but we're…" she looks at me. "This is too hard," she says.

"You're the one who wanted to tell her," I reply. She swallows and stares at me, wringing her hands. I sigh. "We're friends with benefits, Cat." A crazed grin spreads across her face as she moves toward me, cupping her hands and placing her mouth lose to my ear. I shudder as her warm breath washes over my ear as she whispers in my ear.

"Lesbian sex," she murmurs. I look at her annoyingly.

"Really?" She jumps back and claps, squealing with glee.

"Is that what you two were just doing? Is that why Tori looks so different? Is that why Jade smells like Tori?" Her head whips back and forth between Tori and I so quickly I fear she may get whiplash. Tori grabs her shoulders and stares deeply into her eyes.

"Cat, you can't tell anyone," She says seriously. I watch as her toned legs flex and relax nervously under her thin waist.

"I won't," Cat promises, her eyes flickering back to me. "Whose idea was it?" Tori and I exchange a quick glance.

"Mine," we both say at the same time. Cat smirks.

"No really," she says. "Whose idea was it?" I fold my arms and tilt my head, a silent way of showing that I'm either A) Amused, B) Bored or C) Completely unwilling to admit I did it. Cat squeals and then suddenly stops dead, staring me directly in the eyes and getting extremely close to my face. I lean back. "I won't tell a soul," she whispers before dashing back in the house and jumping onto Trina. Tori looks at me and smiles before shrugging. I sigh.

"She won't tell anyone," Tori assures me. I raise an eyebrow, the skeptic that I am, and Tori takes my hand, leading me from the house.

"Where are we going?" I ask. I look at her just as the breeze gently swells through her hair and the sun shimmers in her eyes and off her moist lips. Her lips pull back into a soft smile.

"I thought we'd take a walk down the beach," she says, leading me forward slowly past the side of her house. On her back patio, she kicks off her shoes and invites me to do the same. I shrug and kick my shoes off next to hers before looking at the pale complexion of my skin next to hers. She pulls her phone from her pocket to check the time and then puts it on the patio table. I take mine out and do the same.

I look at the sun overhead as it sets, turning the sky and clouds purple and pink and orange and gold as the sky on the other horizon fades to indigo. The sunlight glimmers over the water and Tori takes my hand, leading me forward. Her body is close to mine and our fingers tangle. I feel the energy radiating from her body, pulsating from her core. As we walk further from her house, we stare out over the water, watching the sun sink into slumber as the water radiates color. We walk slowly in silence and she leans her head on my shoulder. I'm becoming thankful that she's here. Without her, I'd probably be crying in silence somewhere, cutting my arm open and tearing my skin to shreds. I'd probably hold a bottle of prescription pain killers my mom had been prescribed for her migraines and wonder if it was all really worth it.

I had watched the sunset a thousand times with Beck, had kissed him in the dark. The pain of knowing he wasn't here to share this one cut me to my core, but being with Tori numbs the pain. I still felt the pressure, but the pain was unnoticeable.

"Hey, you wanna sit down?" Tori asks as we walk far enough from her house that we can't see anything but rocks and footprints in the golden sand. I shrug and sit next to her when she plops down on the sand. It's still warm and soft. I lean back and put my bare feet at the edge of the surf, and the water laps gently at my feet. Tori lies down next to me, our hands still intertwined. "What happened to your arm?" She asks. I pull my sleeve up and pull the bandages off. I wince a little but I don't think it's going to get infected. I meet her gaze and her eyes say sorrow, but she doesn't speak. Her straight nose leads down to her soft lips and I sit up a little, my hair falling to one side of my head as I stare at her while laying on my side.

"Why did you bring me out here?" I ask. She blinks, her eyes lingering closed for a moment before opening again.

"Don't judge me, okay? I know you have before…" She looks down. "You'll hate me… I know." I look into her eyes.

"Tori, why would…?"

"Jade, I don't want this moment to end," she says honestly. "I don't want our friendship to be screwed up over this, or whatever it was. Is. I don't know." Her shirt has ridden up a little, exposing her tan waist and toned abs just above her belly button. I place my hand on her hip.

"I am not judging you," I reply. "To be honest, I don't, either. I don't want to mess anything up." I pause. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" She bites her lip before nodding with a small smile, and I can't help but smile back. We're at a loss for words and the sun is halfway gone over the horizon, leaving the sky gorgeous oranges, pinks, reds, and purples before fading into a deep indigo over the opposite horizon. Tori absently plays with a shell lying in the sand before tossing it at me with a giggle. I cock an eyebrow with a smirk and throw a handful of sand at her and she closes her eyes before it hits her in the face. I go for another handful and she grabs my wrists, wrestling them to the ground. My right hand escapes her left and she rolls over and onto me, pinning me to the ground skillfully, playfully, effectively capturing my escapee wrist and pinning it to the ground above my head.

"Tori, what—" She cuts me off with a kiss, playful at first then soon becoming passionate. Her hands drift from my wrists to my face as she leans down to kiss me deeper, twisting her head as I open my mouth to her. My hands find her hips and they roll automatically against mine, grinding more and more until I feel the pressure on my clit. My breath hitches and her lips move from mine, and she slowly licks her way up to nibble my earlobe. Her hands find my breasts under my shirt and her fingertips trace around my nipples, and a deep moan erupts from my chest from all the feelings combined. Her teeth gently bite down on my ear and I pull in a breath, her hands massaging my breasts as her hips grind harder into mine. God, for a virgin she really knows how to drive a girl wild. I claw at her shirt, tearing it above her head, and she stands to pull it off and drop her shorts, but by now it's grown dark and I can hardly see her. I see the flash of her teeth and the whites of her eyes and I notice she doesn't take off her underwear, and I then realize she's waiting for me to do the same. I begin to pull off my sweats but she kneels down between my legs and does it for me, and my heart races, pounding incredibly loud in my ears. Deafeningly loud. My head is spinning as I try to wrap my mind around what's about to happen. She gets my pants down over my ankles and drops them with her clothes and then she pauses at my underwear, looking at me. I stare into her eyes.

"Jade," her breath is a ragged whisper. I nod slowly and she carefully pulls my underwear down and drops them with our clothes. I do the same with my shirt and lack of bra. She kisses her way slowly up my spread thighs but my hand flies down to catch her attention. She glances up at me again and I take a deep breath. I didn't know I'd be this nervous. I move my hand and take her hair. Her tongue swipes across my folds and I shudder, the rush of adrenaline from the excitement and nervousness alleviating my immediate fear. She breathes over my skin, and then looks up at my eyes.

"What's wrong?" I ask. I feel comfortable, but I'm started to get cold.

"I don't know what to do," she whispers. I don't know what to do but my hand takes her hair.

"Do something," I moan.


	7. Chapter 7 Somewhere

My chest heaving and a sheen of sweat on my forehead, I pulled myself up and took Tori's hands in mine. She licked her lips and smiled, the moon and starlight illuminating her hair, eyes, lips, and teeth.

"You have a beautiful smile," she whispers. I kiss her and pull back to gaze into her eyes.

"That was…"I pause. "Great."

"Wow. Such enthusiastic words," she teases with a laugh. I bite my lip and shove her backwards into the surf, and she screams and flails. I laugh ridiculously hard, so hard that I fall to my knees in the sand. I hear a splash and then I feel wetness surround me when I realize that Tori pulled me into the water. I stand and scream, peals of laughter exploding from my body. Tori grins and bends down, grabbing a handful of mud.

"Vega, what—" she launches the mud ball at me, landing in the middle of my face, mouth, and nose. I stand there, momentarily frozen, as my mind registers what happened and where the mud was. A wave crashes into my back and Tori laughs as I spit the water out and wipe it from my eyes. A gust of wind blows from my front and I shudder, suddenly feeling extremely cold except for the warm water lapping at my calves.

"Are you cold?" Tori asks. I nod and she pulls me under her arm, leading me back onto the beach. We search for our clothes, making sure they're our own before putting them on to avoid confusing Tori's family. Despite being soaking wet and having my legs still slightly shaky from my orgasm, I'm happy as Tori wraps her arm securely around me and pulls me back down the beach, the sand finally beginning to cool off. I lean my head on her shoulder, surprised at how much I trust her. She's also a warm body.

As we walk back down the beach, rounding the curve of the shore, homes come into view and their lights illuminate the golden sand, lighting our path. I automatically pull from Tori, suddenly self conscious about being seen with her. I sigh and look down, knowing how she might feel as my hand pulls from hers, my palm now cool.

"I'm sorry," I find myself whispering.

"No. Don't. It's fine." Her voice is short, no lingering pause. Mouth open and closed, eyes not looking into mine. A heaviness looms over my heart and I shake it away with thoughts of the somewhat clumsy yet mostly glorious sex we just had. As we near her house, I take her hand and pull her close to me. The ocean breeze makes her hair flutter around her face and over her lips. My heart starting to pound, I brush her hair from her lips and kiss her softly. She pulls away and squeezes my hand and we walk back to her house without a word.

"Hey guys," Trina says, coming out the back door as we near the table. I pick up my phone and put my shoes on.

"I'll see you later," I mutter to Tori. Trina pouts as I walk away, but I wave as I trek back to my car.

"No!" He screams, running his hand through his sweaty hair. "I can't fucking believe you!"

"Beck, who do you think you are?" His father asks, his arms crossed. "Who do you think I am?"

"You're a pretentious douche bag who just forced me to break up with my girlfriend! All over a stupid lie!" His fist hits the side of his trailer with enough force to put a dent in it. His father is silent, watching his tall son grit his teeth as he tries not to break something.

"It wasn't a lie," his father says. "I got the job in London. But I said no at the last minute because I thought—"

"You thought what?" Beck demands, turning to face his father with enough fury in his eyes to cause the shorter man to look away for a moment before returning to his son's gaze. "You thought you could just force me to break her heart and then crawl back to her and say 'sorry, my daddy turned the job down, I'm staying,'?" Beck swallowed and waited for a response, but didn't get one. "Wow, dad, I really couldn't have asked for such a fantastic daddy." His sarcasm whips out of his mouth furiously.

"So now what?" His father asks, stepping forward and staring directly into his son's dark chocolate eyes. "You better have another plan, Beck, because you're not staying here." Beck blinks, confused and shocked. "If you hate me so much, go somewhere else. You're not welcome here anymore."

"I have the trailer," Beck growls.

"And I can turn off your utilities," his father hisses. "You've got three days to find somewhere else to live or I'm calling someone to haul this piece of shit away," he says, slapping the cold metal, "with you in it." Beck's eyes flicker between his father's before he turns around and throws his truck door open.

"Go to hell," he spits before slamming the door with enough force to rattle the glass window. He starts the engine and revs it before speeding toward his father, stopping it at the last second to put the vehicle in reverse and pull out of the driveway. His father stares after him, running his hand through his hair before turning around to kick the tire of the trailer and go back inside his home.

I turn down my street and pull up to my house, nearly having a heart attack when I see a familiar blue truck parked in front of my house. I turn into the driveway and my headlights wash over a familiar license plate. I don't know if I'm hallucinating. Lights are on inside and I turn my car off, stepping out slowly, my hands and legs beginning to shake. I reach the front door and it seems like a year before I can get the key into the slot in the knob, and when I turn it, it feels even slower. My mom stands up in the living room, and I walk around the wall, my eyes landing on the figure sitting on my couch, and drop my keys and purse.

"Hey," Beck smiles and his voice is soft. He stands and comes to me, wrapping his arms around me as I begin to cry, breathing in his familiar scent, relief washing through my body. I feel his warmth, his strength, enveloping me as I cry into his blue flannel shirt. I hear my mom leave the room and go upstairs, but I couldn't care if she was trying to pry us apart and stab Beck in the throat.

"I thought you were supposed to be in London," I mutter.

"Me too," he admits. I pull away from him and stare into his eyes.

"What happened?"

"My dad didn't take the offer," he replies slowly. He looks down. "Jade, I have to tell you something." I nod.

"Me too," I whisper, my mind flicking back to Tori. "But you first."

"I got kicked out. I can't stay there. But your mom told me I could stay here." My heart jumps, but the thought of Tori wrestles it back to my throat.

"Y-you-you're staying h-here?" I stammer. Beck nods. I smile, half fake and half somewhat relieved.

"So you had something to say?" He whispers. I nod, panic taunting me. I don't want to bring up Tori now, because Beck, was, well, my boyfriend. Was, is, I had no clue. We broke up because he was leaving, but now that he wasn't, were we still together?

"I love you so much," I murmur, pulling his body closer again to mine.


	8. Chapter 8 Hidden

The next morning after my mom's left for work, Beck kisses me furiously, hands tearing at my clothes as he presses me up against the wall. I can feel his hard on through his jeans on my thigh, and warmth surges through my abdomen. His shirt's on the floor and his jeans are unbuttoned, and I work on the zipper as he pulls my shirt up over my head. I get the zipper down and he smiles before kissing me again, sucking gently on my lip. I moan as his hands disappear under my bra, fingertips ghosting curiously over my taut nipples. Electricity surges through me and I bite his lip as my hands make their way down his boxers. But before I can do anything, he picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist, kissing him from above. He steps out of his jeans and turns, dropping me on my bed. He pulls his black boxers down and kicks them off, and I pull off my sweats and underwear. He straddles me for a short moment before his hips meet mine, and I feel him sink into me fully. We moan together and he kisses me before he begins to thrust, slow and deep at first then getting quicker and more shallow. My fingers rake over his shoulder blades as he collapses, the force of both orgasms shaking us to our core. He kisses me but then I stop, my blood running cold as my heart moves to my throat.

"Jade," he whispers, his breath still shaky. "What's wrong?"

"W-w-we forgot the…" my voice trails off.

"You're on the pill," he replies, confused. My hand covers my eyes and I sigh, sitting up. He falls to the side. "Aren't you?"

"I stopped. We broke up. And even a few days before that… I just… I forgot, Beck." He runs a hand through his hair.

"So what now?" He finally says. I take a deep breath, a million thoughts running through my head, but mostly the biggest one.

"The elephant in the room," I say, standing and moving to my dresser. "We wait. If I miss it, that's it." What would Tori think? She doesn't even know Beck's back yet, let alone the fact that we just had sex. She'd be crushed.

Why should I worry about it? We were fuck buddies for God's sake. We weren't dating. And the only person that knew outside of us was Cat, and she had the comprehension and mental capacity of a two year old. Besides, we just made the decision _today._ It wasn't even real or anything yet. In fact, it was little more than an idea. The little being the two orgasms between us.

But the way she looked at me on the beach… the way my fingers curled in her hair as my hips bucked up, a scream erupting from somewhere so deep in my body, a place that even Beck hadn't found. The way she laced her fingers with mine, as though she trusted me…

"What?" Beck whispers. I look up.

"Huh?"

"You... you… with Tori?" Beck's eyes glare at me, somewhere between anger and hurt. I feel a deep pang of angry sadness as I realize that I had said everything out loud.

"Beck, I—" I begin, but he cuts me off.

"Don't." He stands and pulls on his boxers, stuffing them in his jeans. I move over to him, still naked.

"Please," I whisper. He pauses, his shirt in one hand. I place my hand on his abs and kiss his chest. "Don't go."

"I don't… Damn it, Jade!" I step away from him, surprised by his fury. "I'm staying here because I don't have anywhere else to go, but for now… don't follow me. Call up Tori. Explain to her what just happened. I doubt she's going to take it any better than me." He slams my bedroom door behind him.

"Fuck!" I scream in anguish, punching the wall. My hand flies through the drywall and pain sears up my arm. I pull my hand back, white powder dusting my hand and red blood dripping down my knuckles. I cradle my hand after shaking it reflexively and look into the hole, annoyed when I see nails sticking out of wood, exposed. Then I glance back at my hand and see skin peeling back off my right ring finger knuckle, blood oozing out. It stings like a bitch, and I bite my lip as I move into my bathroom and turn on the sink. I shove my hand under the cold water, letting it rest as I bend over and rest my head on my forearm. What am I going to do? I'm just making one stupid mistake after the next; a never ending cycle. First I slept with Tori, then with Beck _without _using a condom, then I blurted out everything to Beck causing him to leave, then I punched a wall and gauged my hand open. Now I have to tell Tori what had just happened. Jesus, can my subconscious not give me a break?

I pump soap onto my hand and carefully clean it; despite my creepy love of blood and gore, I don't want to actually tear my skin off and risk a longer healing time. Once it's clean, I dry it off and bandage it with the same stuff I used on my arm-Neosporin, gauze pads, and lots of gauze wrap secured with fabric tape. By the time I'm done, it looks like a full hand cast and it's the only thing I'm wearing. I look at myself in the mirror before turning back to my bedroom. When I walk back in, I take the first things out of my dresser and pull them on. It just happens to be a ripped pair of black skinny jeans and a Beatles shirt with black underwear and a black bra. I look at myself in the mirror and shrug before deciding to do my makeup.

I draw the eyeliner on thick and smudge it with the tip of my finger before wiping the rest on my jeans. I grit my teeth and decide to go au natural instead of gooping on ridiculous lip gloss and move to my bed, grabbing my black boots from under my bed. I pull them on, lacing them up angrily, angry for no apparent reason. I tear my phone from my side table and scroll through my contacts until I find Tori's name. I text her to let her know I'm coming. Her reply comes after I've left and I'm sitting in a long line of traffic.

_Jade, it's eight in the morning, can this wait? – Tori_

I sigh.

_No. It's important. – Jade_

I assume she's thinking I want a hook up. I laugh coldly when I think of this possibility. I know she's going to be upset when I tell her about Beck, but it's not exactly something that can wait or be told via phone call or text.

_Okay. – Tori_

Traffic starts moving and turn my phone off, dropping it in the passenger seat. The sun is hidden behind dark clouds rolling in off the ocean. The birds are quiet and the air is heavy and moist, warm and thick. I stare out the window at the ocean, waves tumbling over the normally packed shore. The sand lies mostly barren for once.

I turn back to the road, gritting my teeth in dread of the next hour, and press on.


	9. Chapter 9 Sinking

I put my phone down and sigh with a smile, closing my eyes and dropping my face back into my pillow. It's only when I can't breathe that I finally move, crawling reluctantly out from under the warm covers into the still morning of my bedroom. Jade's on her way over, and I have sleep in my eyes, smelly breath, and tangled hair. I barely have time to brush my teeth and yank a brush through my hair, let alone shower, before Jade gets here.

I move over to my dresser and pull out some cute shorts and a tank top, completely suitable after just waking up on a Saturday morning. I sit on my bed and pull the shorts up, thinking about last night. I can still taste Jade on my lips, can still feel her tightening around my fingers as her sweet voice rang loud and clear in the dark of the night, the ocean whispering against the sand behind us. I remember kissing my way up her legs, my hands moving in ways I'd never thought possible.

I'm brought back to the moment by the distinctive knock of Jade—Two knocks and pause before the third.

"Coming!" I call, hoping I hadn't woken the rest of my family up.

I wring my hands as panic begins to set in, guilt and depression taking over. I consider turning around and going back, but I'm Jade fucking West. I'm not leaving; despite my heart pounding so hard in my ears I hardly feel anything.

Tori opens the door, a smile on her face, and I freeze. I can't move. My entire body is completely numb, except for the searing hot of her fingers as her hand touches mine.

"Jade?" she asks, suddenly concerned. "Are you okay?" She leads me inside, my legs feeling like lead, and sits me down on the couch. "I'm going to get you a glass of water." I notice the quietness of the house, the darkness and absence of light and sound. Tori must be the only one awake.

She comes back a moment later and takes a seat a few feet away from me, sitting on one leg and propping her head on her hand. Her elbow rests on the back of the couch. I drink the water slowly desperately trying to stall as I come up with the right words to say. I run out of water and I put the glass in both hands, tracing circles around the rim as I stare down blankly at it.

"Beck came back last night," I whisper. I don't look up because I hear Tori shift. I know she heard me. "And we slept together." After a long pause, I finally look back up at her. Her lower lip is between her teeth, her eyes red as a tear dares to escape her eyes. "And we didn't use a condom." Suddenly, her dark eyes flash to mine, more concern than before lying behind the strong façade she was trying so desperately to hold. Her hand reaches out slowly before taking mine quickly.

"Jade," she whispers. At that moment, I begin to cry. I'm not sure why, maybe because of the strangling numbness that's suddenly disappearing, maybe it's because I'm terrified of what could happen to me if I were, or maybe it's because the look in Tori's eyes was just so… powerful. I'm sobbing, and she pulls me into her arms, cradling me against her chest. Her hand runs through my hair as she kisses the top of my head, murmuring soothing things in my ear as I leak black eyeliner and mascara all over her clothes. I look back up and she's wiping tears away from my face with her thumbs, a small smile on her perfect lips. She kisses my nose before pulling me back to her chest.

"Why are you being so nice?" I ask. My chest rises and falls with a shaky shudder. She sighs and I listen to the heavy thud of her heart beating in her chest. She doesn't answer for a moment, but she leans back into the sofa, effectively pulling me into a cuddling position. I don't protest; I honestly sort of like it. Her hands move through my hair, fingers gliding over the skin in a soothing way I remember only from my childhood when I was sick. My mother used to play with my hair the same way Tori was now. Only I could sense her discomfort. I didn't blame her. I'd hate anyone that did to me what I've done to her.

"Because," Tori says finally. "You're my friend. And while I'm extremely mad at you right now, you need me. So I'm here." She reaches her hand down and I intertwine our fingers, kissing the skin on her hand.

"I won't be at school tomorrow," I say, sitting up and wiping my eyes with my free hand. She cocks her head.

"Why not?"

"I think… I just need a few days to pause and breathe. Beck's staying at my house so I'll see him enough. I don't want to add school into that. Plus you… I just need a few days to myself." I stand. "That's all I came over here for. I'm going to go home now." I turn around and walk away, going through the door and to my car alone. I step inside and sit down, but when I turn the key in the ignition, I begin to cry again. I feel guilty. I feel like a slut. I have slept with two different people in the past 24 hours, and I feel dirty and guilty and disgusting.

I manage to pull away from Tori's house and I drive down the coast, watching the shimmery water until I find My Place, a place that is hidden from the rest of the world by a mile long old driveway to an abandoned house. An abandoned house with the best view of the ocean I'd ever seen, a place where I had never dared to utter a single letter about to anyone else in the world.

I pull around to the back of the rickety house. The paint had long ago chipped away and the main support beams had begun rotting, so the house looked like an old man suffering from stage four cancer. But behind the house was this beautiful sanctuary, every shade of green imaginable, with a path that had been tracked down by my coming here at least once a week to a deep inlet where the water lapped, a silvery emerald, at the cool, golden sand.

I stepped out of my car and went around to the back to grab a towel which had long ago taken up permanent residence in my trunk. Even though I knew no one would be here, I glanced around the silent meadow cautiously before stripping down to nothing. I shut my trunk and car door and listened to the vibrant radiations of the birds and the wind whispering through the leaves in the trees. I took a deep breath and smelled the most wonderful scent I would ever associate with a specific place. It smelled warm and fresh, like the ocean and sunlight and plants and the sky.

The sky itself was now a perfect, cloudless cerulean, and the shade from the trees cast a dark shadow of the rickety house. I walked past it slowly, admiring the beauty of the collapsing shack. Though at my first experience I thought it was ugly and mortifying, I had heard a quote since then that had changed my mind. "Everything has beauty if you look hard enough." It had proven to be true about this old heap of wood. I dragged my fingertips over what used to be a hand railing leading up the steps, but the steps had collapsed and the railing was nearly parallel to the ground.

I had finally reached the back of the house and the entrance of my path. It often reminded me of a shorter, narrower version of the driveway in Forrest Gump. Old trees bowed over the path, their leaves stroking the sky 40 feet above my head. It was always light but not bright, dim but not dark. It felt like a warm green hug, and if a leave fluttered down from a tree above, it felt like a caress, soft and sweet. At the end of the path was a wide beach shaped like a U, with rocks on either side jutting off into the ocean. The sand was perfect and cool, warm only where the sunlight seeped through the leaves in the trees above. I laid my towel on the ground and took a deep breath.

I stepped into the edge of the ocean, the cool water clinging to my skin. I took short, slow steps, sinking deeper and deeper into the water. I stopped when the water reached my waist, and my palms stretched out over the surface of the water.

I finally began walking again, sinking deeper and deeper into the cool water. It was up to my neck, then my chin, then my lips, then my nose. I took another step and the sand I had been walking on dropped off.

Then I lifted my feet and sank lower and lower until I couldn't breathe. Surging to the surface of the water, I gasped for air, swimming back to the shore. I collapsed on my towel, hot tears burning my eyes.


	10. Chapter 10 Instinct

Jade closes the door and my stomach churns. I want to cry so badly, but I don't want to wake everyone up. So I pull my feet to my chest and rest my cheek on my knee, allowing one small tear to fall from my clenched eyelid. I know it wasn't a real commitment, and even so had only lasted a few hours. We weren't in a relationship.

But we'd had sex.

Sex to me was a big deal. I grew up in a home with parents who were married and had never gotten divorced. They waited until marriage to have sex. They've been married 20 years and Trina's 18, and I'm 16. They love each other more than anyone else in the world.

My mom and I are extremely close. We tell each other everything. Well, almost everything. I feel guilty because I never told her about my feelings for Jade, us having sex, or even us kissing during improve at school. She was more upset that Trina told her about it than the fact that I kissed a girl. While my parents are just as liberal as the state of California, they still want Trina and I to tell them everything. And we usually do. But sometimes… you take a second thought and realize just how ridiculous something seems and you begin to doubt yourself. But deep down inside you know who you truly are. That's how I feel. I doubt myself but I also know that it's who I am, and I can't change that. So why is it so hard to tell them? Because I feel like I betrayed not only them but myself by agreeing to sleep with Jade with no commitment. I fell for her like a rock and she let me fall. No, I let myself fall. If I hadn't agreed to it in the first place I wouldn't feel so bad.

Whose fault was it? Mine or hers?

I want to blame Jade. But deep down, I know it's mine.

I find my hands behind my head as my face is tucked between my knees, silent sobs accompanying the tears rolling down and off my nose.

"So should I pay someone to kick Jade's ass now or later?" I look up, startled at the sound of Trina's voice. I look at her and she walks down the stairs, glancing at me momentarily before heading into the kitchen to grab a coffee cup off the island.

"Tri, stay out of it…" I'm surprised, but there's no point in denying anything. Trina's not stupid. While she acts like it some… no, most of the time, she's actually very perceptive and can pick up the small things easily.

"I don't care," she says, pouring creamer into the cup. "What she's done is wrong." Now I pause. Even if Trina had been standing there since midnight, she has no idea that we had slept together. All Jade said was that she had slept with Beck.

"What did she do?" I ask, standing and moving swiftly into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.

She stares at me incredulously before raising her eyebrows with a sigh as she realizes I'm waiting for her to say her assumptions out loud.

"I could see it in your eyes, Tori. Plus you smelled like her last night. Not to mention the fact that I saw the way you looked at her." I blush and look down into the empty cup. "You slept with her, didn't you?" Then I froze. Hearing the words out loud from someone else was a whole new level of intensity.

"Please Trina," I whisper, looking deeply into her eyes. "Please don't tell anyone."

"What, that she's pregnant?" She smirks and looks down, but my arm snaps out and grabs hers.

"I'm serious," I growl. "Please. Don't tell anyone. Especially mom and dad." She looks up at me, a mixture of anger and confusion, before she sighs.

"Tori, this is California. We're in LA. No other city in the country is more liberal than this. And besides, mom and dad are best friends with two gay couples. I don't think they'd care." I drop my hand and set down my coffee cup as another tear rolls down my face. Trina smiles sympathetically before pulling me to her. "I actually think they'd be relieved. At least you won't get pregnant." We laugh softly before ending the embrace. It was the most meaningful thing Trina had said to me in a long time. "Just don't fuck her here. Mom and dad would be pretty surprised if they heard Jade say more about scissors than they wanted to coming from their teenage daughter's bedroom."

And the tender moment was gone.

I open my eyes and feel the sun warming my back. I take a deep breath and smell the ocean before my eyes adjust from the blurry blues, golds, and greens to palm trees, sand, water, and sky. The air is warm and light and I roll over onto my stomach in the soft, velvety sand.

I moan as the events of the past 24 hours flood back to me, the serene moment of bliss and perfection after just waking up gone. I moan as the feelings send me spiraling through emotions, and finally the thoughts and memories lead me back to anger and lust. Anger at myself and angry at Beck. Especially at Beck. He left and then came back and decided he could sleep with me? But then again… I let him. So it was my fault. Deep down I knew it was my fault, that I let him after I let myself sleep with Tori.

They were so different. While Beck and I usually had sex just to get off, I could tell that Tori had deeper feelings during our first few times than Beck did. To her it meant something. So I was mad at myself for using her just to get off. The look in her eyes when I caught her looking at me, or the way her fingertips drifted over my thigh, or even the way she tilted her head to get a better angle when I was showing her how I liked it, it was like she genuinely cared and wanted to know instead of just to make me orgasm. With Beck, frustration was easy if he had to wait too long to get his fix. Beck was a calm natured guy, but when it came to the bedroom, he had more of a personality than I did. The way he'd rip off my shirt and sometimes bite my collar bone, marking me, it was animal. And that was how I liked it. Fast and a little rough. But with Tori, it was slow and agonizing as she learned, but when I finally spilled over the edge, it was so much better than with Beck. It was less of a feeling of freeing myself of stress and more of an itch I didn't know I had until Tori had satisfied it, and it lasted longer.

Almost as if I didn't want the torment of her learning to end.

A breeze flutters through the air around me and the sun suddenly disappears, so my back cools down. I don't think I've been asleep long; my back doesn't burn as it would from long sun exposure and the sun was just over the treetops before being shrouded by the sun. But in any case, the sky to the east, over the trees, is getting darker, so I take one final dip in the water before trekking naked back to my car.

What I see makes me stop.

A coyote, gold and tan, stands next to my car. I stop dead, blood frozen, as blood rushes to my ears. I've never been so scared of anything in my life. My breath hitches audibly and the coyote's head turns, staring me dead in the eye. After what seems like an eternity, the coyote begins jogging toward me. It doesn't look hostile, and I nearly scream as the gut wrenching fear takes its grip as the animal nears me. I shake, lightheaded, as its fur brushes up against my leg as it passes. I wait as I hear it gallop off into the brush, at which point I turn. I see it stop and make almost a chirping sort of noise before two pups stumble out of the brush. I realize it's a mother when it bends down to lick their heads before they all speed off into the forest. The earth shattering silence breaks and I hurry to my car, hastily throwing on my clothes before getting inside the vehicle.

I throw the car onto reverse and back up before pulling out the driveway, the long, narrow, winding path through the trees that lets out on the high way.

I don't know where I'm driving. I probably won't stop until I either reach a destination or run out of gas, or possibly both.

All I know is that I'm driving, away from LA, to clear my head.


	11. Chapter 11 Pain and Pleasure

_BANG. BANG. BANG. _Three loud raps on the door and I lean up against the doorframe, waiting for the door to open. I run a hand through my hair, cussing under my breath and tapping my foot impatiently. The door opens.

"Beck, I thought—" I shove past him and move swiftly upstairs into his room. I sit down on his bed, my head between my knees, my fingers interlocked behind my neck. He walks in and shuts the door slowly, assessing the situation. "Don't take me wrong, I'm glad you're here, but why?" I look up, tears burning in my eyes.

"Andre," my voice cracks and I stand. He comes forward and pulls me into a hug as I cry on his shoulder. The pain tears through me and I couldn't care less that I'm standing in my best friend's room crying into his cotton shirt. I don't have anyone else to turn to.

I pull away first and we sit on his bed, our knees inches apart. He picks up a guitar and slowly and quietly strums a few chords, waiting but not pressuring.

"I got kicked out. And I slept with Jade. And shit happened. Now she might be pregnant." After hours of driving around town, rehearsing a big long speech, that's what came out. I mean, it's what was going to come out, but not quite like that.

"What kind of shit happened?" He looks at me for a moment before going back to the guitar.

"She slept with someone else." It's a hoarse whisper, and my voice cracks. It hurts to think about, but to say it out loud is much more painful on a whole new level. We had been each other's firsts, and had once promised to be our onlys.

"So is it your baby or his?" I laugh coldly and stand, kicking his door. "That's right. Be mad. Punch that wall Beck! Punch it!" He stands, and I swing my arm at the wall with a yell. My fist flies through the drywall, a flurry of dust exploding around me. I laugh. "That's right! Break this!" He hands me a glass baseball.

"You sure?" I ask, slightly breathless. He shrugs.

"My dad left it for me. He bailed before I could remember him." I throw it at the wood floor with a growl, the glass shattering around our feet. "Again!" He hands me a trophy he won for effort at a basketball game when he was seven. It flies through the air and explodes against a far wall. He hands me a pillow and I tear it in half, cotton spewing everywhere.

We look around the room. Cotton, glass, and drywall litter the room, especially the floor around our feet. I feel somewhat relieved, my anger taken out as much as I will allow.

"You cool?" Andre asks me. I nod, and he pats me on the back. We open the door and walk downstairs.

"Maybe we should go clean that up," I say, pointing my thumb back to his room. He shakes his head.

"I'll clean it up later. Don't worry about it." He pauses before biting his lip. "So I assume you don't want to tell me who she slept with?" I wince.

"I don't…" I am so angry I could knock down every wall in this house with my bare hands. The betrayal was unexpected, especially from Tori. We were friends. I thought Tori liked me. "I do. But… I thought… we were friends. You're still friends with this person. But it's not my story to tell." He nods.

"I respect that." And then, "I didn't know she was into Robbie." I kick the baseboard.

"It wasn't Robbie!" I yell. "Man, I… I just can't. I'm sorry."

"No. Beck. I shouldn't have pushed it. It won't stop me from wondering who it was, but I won't push it." Maybe… the thought flies from my thoughts out my lips before I can think about it.

"It was Tori. She fucked Tori." Andre stops dead, shocked.

"What? Beck, you're joking. That's a sick lie." He looks slightly angry.

"Why would I lie?!" I cry. "Why would I make up some stupid fucking rumor about her? About… either one of them?!" He sees the honesty I'm forcing through my eyes. "I trusted her. Them. I…" I turn and walk out the door.

"Beck, come on. Let's talk about it!"

But I'm already in my truck.

Downtown Los Angeles is filled with everything. All sorts of shops and restaurants, all sorts of people. You can find someone with every hairstyle you've ever imagined in one block. People wear all sorts of clothes here in Los Angeles year round, even black leather from head to toe on a 110 degree day in the middle of August. I've seen people that looked like super models, and even actually super models. I once shook Shelby Marx's hand. But I've also seen the worst in people, the things that make me shudder with the oddest delight.

I walk into my favorite store, immediately greeted by a short round girl at the counter, garbed in a black apron, blue hair, and four lip piercings.

"Hello Jade!" For a girl so pale and hair so thin, her eyes and voice were oddly the happiest things I often encountered on the days I stopped in here, usually after school.

"Hi Doreen." I immediately head back to the very back of the shop to the tattoos and piercings.

"Hey Jade." A tall Hispanic man stands behind the counter. His arms are sleeves of naked girls, some of which I'd never admit to admiring as he pierced my eyebrow and ears. "You lookin' into the belly button after all?" I bend down over the counter, gazing over the thousands of beads and rods in the case.

"Totally Jose. Today's my day." I pause. "Rhyme not intended." I add with disgust. I point to a purple gem in the middle of the case. "That one."

"You know what to do." Oddly enough, I've never been attracted to Jose. He is quite good looking, in his early twenties, with green eyes instead of brown. But I'd never wanted to have a relationship with him. I move over to the sink and took a deep breath, realizing that after 3 months of pondering whether or not to pierce my belly button, I was actually doing it. I take the little scrubby thing and put the surgical soap on it, lifting my shirt to clean off my stomach and belly button. I rinse it all off and dry it with paper towel before moving over to Jose's chair. He pulls on rubber gloves and a face mask and rubs alcohol over my belly button before grabbing the needle. "You're sure?" His accent is minimal. I nod. I put the wet paper towel in my mouth and shut my eyes.

The pain sears through my body, and also the pain that I crave, the pain that's almost as good as an orgasm, electrifying me into stillness. I don't hear my cries, but I feel them. My body wants to jolt, but holding myself back just lets the intensity build, releasing only from the shockwaves coursing through my veins, throbbing like a pulse through my rapidly numbing abdomen. He rests his hand over mine as he lets the needle sit.

"Just gotta wait," He says softly. I look into his eyes for a moment before he looks away. "I'm taking it out now," he says after a moment. I nod. He takes the needle out expertly and threads the new piercing through, tightening the ball. "There you go." I look down, and to my immense surprise, I love it much more than I had expected to. Jose helps me stand and hands me a bottle of water. "Since you're one of our best customers," he says, also handing me two Tylenol. "Put some ice on it if it starts to hurt real bad. Also, take these every eight hours. Clean it well." He hands me cotton balls and piercing cleaner. I pull out my wallet and hand him $75.

"Thanks Jose." I pop the pills in my mouth.

I don't need the water to swallow them.


	12. Chapter 12 Falling Apart

I get home and lie down on my bed, still unmade. A tear rolls down my cheek as the warm lingering scent of Beck wafts into my nose, teasing for a few minutes until it vanishes when my nose grows accustomed to it. I cling to the memory as I now cling to the sheets, gripping for dear life as my whole abdomen throbs. I think of everything that's happened, from the kiss at school to the belly button piercing. I think of how gruesome a person I've become to have done all those things and it makes me want to vomit.

My stomach churns as I lurch to my feet, dashing to the bathroom and throwing my head over the toilet as I vomit into the bowl. I begin crying, partly because I just threw up and partly because I don't feel worth anything anymore. My hand rests over my stomach, over the piercing, as I lean against the wall, imagining myself pregnant. I sob harder until I pull my knees to my chest and fold my arms over them.

I hear car tires turning into the driveway, and I sit up to peer out my bathroom window down to the driveway. However, I can't see the car, but I hear someone opening the door downstairs. I stand, not caring who it really was, and rinse my mouth out and brush my teeth, positive I wouldn't throw up again. I hear someone climbing the stairs, figuring it to be Beck or mom. But when I walk back into my room, Tori is standing in my doorway with a plastic bag in her hand and her mouth agape. I freeze, not sure if I'm going to be sick again.

"Jade," Tori whispers. I hear the crack in her voice and the façade I didn't realize I had put on now shattered. She drops the bad and rushes over to me and I fall into her arms, blubbering like an idiot for all I was worth. I pull her as close to me as I can get her and she wraps her arms tightly around me. I ignore the pain my piercing is causing. I push away the thoughts of Beck as well as I can. Tears well in my eyes and spill down over the leather of her jacket, and soon we're on the bed, lying as close together as we could possibly get, my head tucked under her chin. For what seems like forever until I stop crying, not a word is said, not a syllable muttered. The contact isn't sexual, but I feel like I need her more than anyone else. I feel guilty of everything. This whole mess is my fault. My thoughts flicker back to the soon to be scars on my arm. What if I had gone deeper with a bigger razor? What if I had severed an artery in the shower and fallen asleep to never wake up? The guilt of those thoughts presses on my chest like the weight of a ten ton anvil. It crushes me into a dark place, a place I had never truly seen the depths of before. A place I had gotten a mere glimpse at only one time in my life.

A place I never wanted to see again.

After a while, Tori stands, bringing me up with her. I don't argue as she takes me into the bathroom and begins pulling off my clothes. I don't argue when she does the same. I stand still, staring blankly at the floor as she starts the shower. And I move with her as she leads me into it.

She sits on the floor of the tub, pulling me down with her, my back against her front. The warm water drizzles over us from the height it's at instead of streaming down. She wets our bodies and hair, slowly massaging shampoo onto my head. I close my eyes as she washes me, then herself. Then she wraps her arms around my waist, resting her chin gently on my shoulder. Tears are running down my face, my body is shaking, but mixed with the warm water of the shower, you can't tell what are tears and what aren't. She holds me while I cry, her hands resting gently over my stomach, her fingers gently tracing soft shapes into my skin.

We sit there like that, my pain gripping me like a starving anaconda, until the water grows cold. I then realize something I'd never realized before.

Tori was so much more. She was a god. She knew what I'd been through, and while she most certainly didn't agree with it, and was always there for me.

I close my eyes and grit my teeth, swallowing the gentle shudders that my body had transformed from heavy sobs. She senses the tension and gently presses her lips to my shoulder. I rest my head on her body and she takes my hands in hers.

"Jade," She murmurs softly. "It's kind of getting… cold." I laugh softly.

"So you want to get out." It wasn't a question. I feel her nod and the soft tickle of her breath on my cheek as she laughs through her nose.

"How are you feeling?" She asks softly.

"Fine," It was a normal lie, a simple lie, a cliché lie.

"Are you sure?" She stands and looks at me. I'm staring at her as if she were the most annoying thing, slightly reverting back to my old ways. "Right." She grabs a towel and hands it to me. I wrap myself up in it as she does the same. She reaches over and turns off the water before pulling me by the hand back into my room. I drop the towel and move over to the bed. She watches me, then raises an eyebrow.

"Will…" I really don't want to ask this. It's unbearable as it is, knowing that I probably just fucked up the rest of my life in one day. But it's ignorant for me to think that. My mind is a jumble, and that scares me. "Will you lay with me?" I ask. "It's hard for me to sleep without crying and…" she drops the towel and meets me there, pulling me to her warm, now dry body. She smells so whole and perfect. I pull away and lead her into the bed, where she pulls the covers up around us while I curl up into her side. Her hands then comb gently through my wet hair as it splays out all over the pillows, and I soon grow tired as the heavy, strong pulsing of her heart beat lulls me halfway to unconsciousness.

"Do you think we'll ever get back to how we were?" Tori asks. The tone in her voice sounds alarmingly unsure, not nearly as confident as everything else she says.

"I…" I think about it for a moment. "No." She sighs, and I drop it. As I nestle closer to her body, I think of the reasons why. Because… the last 24 hours has been more exciting than my entire life. And not in a good way. I'm doubting myself, but I know that's stupid. I know who I am but I don't understand why I'm falling apart.


End file.
